Barnsley. Who would have guessed?

As I sit here in my apartment, there is a girl who is in need of a shit but won't go. This girl is utterly perfect and knows I am writing this for her.

I will write tomorrow when she is not watching me.  Love you not Mrs Dawn Mallinson.

Living in Brighouse, working at nowhere and being forced to learn a new language.

Well it is typical isn't it? Find the apartment of your dream that has 2 bedrooms and bathrooms, is on the top floor so it is quiet and has an amazing view, allowed use of a spa, swimming pool, sauna and gymnasium and is in a secure building comfortably within the budget that has been put aside and then a week later you get made redundant. How many times have we heard this story because that has what has happened to me. I wasn't overly bothered because I was leaving anyway. Worried about the companies financial status and the moral was just so low with little or no communication that it was even bringing me down and I had an interview lined up so no biggie. Got the keys for the apartment on July 26th and a driving examination with the aims of an offer the following day so it was win win. Moved into the apartment and what a day. i love it here. Life couldn't be better. Went to bed at about 11:30 because I had to get up early the next day for the test and slept well. Needed a piss in the middle of the night and being half asleep, I went for the door to the bathroom only this time, there wasn't a door. There was a flight of stairs. All the way down to the bottom I fell, arse over tit finally ending up on the bottom floor with my head bumped against the door, my thumb in agony but the worst thing was both feet and ankles. Absolutely smashed to bits. Now being half asleep I thought I was still at my mums house and all I wanted was for them to help me but as I strarted coming around I realized where I was and nobody was there to help me.

I pulled myself up on to the stairs in utter agony. I couldn't stand up which was worrying. I then dragged myself back up the stairs by my arms around my back one stair at a time, dragging my shattered legs behind me. Made it into the upstairs bathroom and sat down on the toilet, had my pee and then managed to crawl back to bed. I fell asleep pretty quickly again because I think I was in shock and then got up again at 06:30 to get ready for my test even though I knew I was going to be in trouble. She shower was a sat down shower and getting ready took me ages. I found that when I was wearing my work boots they gave my ankles a little support so with aid I could stand but walking was near impossible. 10 minutes it took me to walk to the car and because it was an automatic it would be possible to drive however because it took me so long to get ready, I was 10 minutes late that went down like a wet fart in a Jacuzzi however clearly with my hobbling like an old man it was clear I wouldn't be able to drive anyway. I completed the theory instead and then wobbled back to the car and drove back to the apartment.  It took 4 weeks to begin to really start walking again but still with a limp. 6 weeks down the line I am now in full working order but need work now so I am back on the look out. I will keep you informed.

When I was at school there were subjects I excelled at and others I struggled with. This has naturally followed me into my adult life. Maths, physics, technical art and geography I still understand and enjoy. What I wasn't too good at are English, history but by far the worst was languages. I just don't seem to get it!! Take for example the French language. How the hell can some objects be feminine and others male and how do you tell the difference? Is a light bulb 'le' of 'la'? It's confusing and something that my brain just cannot work out so how typical is it that I have to learn the most difficult language of all. 'Is it Welsh?'. "is it Japanese?" I hear you say. No. It's much harder than that. It's Boltonish.

For the last few months I have been talking to a girl. My age group, very pretty, a fantastic body, great personality, fantastic laugh which makes me laugh, quick witted, smart, sexy and just a great girl and for me, ticks all the boxes. One problem? I can't fucking understand her!!!

She is from Bolton, a town less than 30 miles away from me so the distance between us really isn't too much of a problem but the language barrier is. I find myself saying 'You what?' or 'Say that again' dozens of times within any conversation. It astounds me how as we a geographically pretty close but how different our accents are. I'll give you an example. The word 'there' is pronounced just as it is spelt which is what I say so why does she pronounce it 'thur' and it's not just the words are said. If anybody called me 'cock'  I'd be insulted. In Bolton it's a term of endearment!!!!! I hear her on the phone saying things like 'have a good night cock' to her kids. Fucking weird I'm telling you. However we do spend a lot of time talking, sometimes hours and so I am slowly learning to translate without thinking. We are supposed to be meeting up soon so lets just hope by the end of the date I will be fluent but somehow I don't see that happening anymore.

This I will definitely keep you up to date.....cock.

The Life Of A Single Man. It's not all bad.

One week ago I put my profile back up on POF. I wrote from the heart this time. I didn't study it, reassess, change things, try to be funny or anything else. I just wrote down what I thought. The response was incredible. Within 1 minute I was added as a 'favorite' and the messages that came flooding in were a little overwhelming. Sure, I got the 'hi there' texts which I don't often reply to as that suggests I have to make conversation which I also don't think is very fair however I got many actually wanting to make conversation. I was chatting to 3 girls but 1 shone through. Sweet, funny and a little dizzy like me. Italian heritage and described herself as 'fiery and passionate'. Now, as a Gemini that sounds pretty good to me. We have chatted all week and today is the day we first meet.

I have often wondered what being married actually means. Sure, it's nice to have somebody to be with, talk to, share things with and clearly sleep with but REALLY!!! It's not that good after all. It means stress, giving all your money away and predictable nights of planned sex. What I have found since being on this dating site is that there are millions of people out there who are just like me. A bit lonely but understand where I am coming from. Marriage for me? Never again. I'll be with somebody and that right person I will stay faithful too.....just as long as she doesn't ask me to marry her. The life of the singleton's is not that bad you know.

Starting a fight in a pub. The basics...

As the title says, here are a few do's and don'ts about how to start a fight in a pub. Firstly. Make sure you are drunk. You have to be in the frame of mind that you are suddenly 2 foot taller than you really are, hard as nails and nobody could hurt you because you are the toughest thing in the north since Adam Fogerty. Secondly. Make sure that you're mind is totally fucked up ie. Everybody is talking about you and you are not going to stand for it. Paranoia is also a great thing to add if you really want to start a good fight. Thirdly. Speak really loud and make all comments known. This really is paramount as if nobody can hear you then how are you going to start the altercation in the first place. Loud, colourful and objective. That's the ticket.

Now you have the basics of how to start a fight in a pub, now what not to do.

Don't by on any means start it with somebody taller, younger and stronger. This will just lead to a pasting that you wish you never had. Secondly. Don't do it drunk. I know this contradicts the previous comment and it is a fine line. Tipsy? Maybe but drunk is a big no no. DON'T DO IT and finally, and this is the biggy. Don't do it in front of you're new girlfriend just to try and impress her even if she is talking to a man. You never know, he might be her friend. Get you're facts right before telling him to go and fuck himself. The man may be very surprised and maybe slightly shocked and the promising girlfriend will ditch you faster than an atom being accelerated in the Hadron Particle Accelerator.......

Guess what I did two weeks ago?

Is it possible that two Pixies are alive?

Facebook, POF and electric cigarettes. Are they all wrong because they don't seem to work.

Well, it's been ages hasn't it? Nobody will ever read this so why I am writing down I will never know but maybe it's my way of releasing. Funny. I seem to have all the linguistic intelligence when I don't have to impress anybody!!

Anyway, my life over the last couple of years. Roller coaster could be a good word. Back in the UK after the forth and final split with the ex wife. Should have seen it coming to be honest but we all try to work things out don't we however sometimes, when that spark has gone it doesn't matter how hard we try to ignite it, it just doesn't light again. It is sad that through the last 3 years turmoil I lost my true love of my life. Didn't know it at the time through my fucked up and confused mind she really was every fantasy and dream I ever had but I am pretty sure that would have turned into a nightmare. Kids that I don't want, house that I probably wouldn't want to live in and that 'fantasy' would too, also have faded over the years. Live and learn don't you.

Facebook is a nemesis and a savior in it's own rights. I have used it since 2007 and it has kept me in touch with the world I left behind. How else could I have found out that Danny had got married, Colin had his first child and the poor, untimely death of my good friend Mark Stanley. However it has a very different opposite side. It can be the ultimate in destruction as all social media can be. Why, just writing this blog is allowing any of the 6.2 billion people in the world to enter into my life but Facebook seems to be the pinnacle of utter destruction. It has got to a point where I hardly use it anymore. Am I scared what people write about me? Do I want to know what people think and when somebody deletes you? Well, that hurts especially if it is somebody you cared about. It's online dumping. As if that is not bad enough in real life? Now we have to let the whole world know that we don't matter to somebody we care about. It has happened to me 3 times in the last year. The last one was expected to painful all the same.

POF or the 'Plenty Of Fish' dating website is a whole different world. I was on there for a while. I met a few girls, one I quite liked turned out to be a complete nutter. Finished with her when she said that she would 'ride her next door neighbor's boyfriend like a horse and make as much noise as possible just to piss her (his girlfriend) off' which, to me wasn't entirely normal. I put my clothes on, kissed her hungover forehead, wished her happy birthday (yep, I always seem to pick the least appropriate of times) and ran out of the door as fast as my legs would carry me. Another girl I met posted a picture of herself taken 10 years ago so that didn't go down well when I met her however I have just recently had my first date with a girl called Bev. We have chatted and get along great to the point of innuendos and sexual flirting  She is very petite, great fun to be with and immensely pretty. Plus a girly girl who is a bit dizzy. Perfect for me.

Anyway, I digress. The world of POF is a completely odd world. It seems to be full of, as far as I can see, amazing looking women who go to the gym 24/7, have a great job that they love, a huge circle of friends that they love and ALL go horse riding!!! What's all that about? Horse riding? It started to make me think 'If you are that good looking, you are so popular and could give Chuck Norris a nose bleed then why are you on here?'. I asked a few but sadly, I didn't get to the bottom of it. It's no different bullshit from the men I hear from Bev. Almost all apparently, show pictures of themselves posing on a bed wearing nothing but boxer shorts or draped over their car and they all seem to all like snow boarding!!! Horse riding and snow boarding eh? Maybe I should start a new sport called 'Horse Boarding'? How could anybody resist me? Plus the website suggests that you should write about you're aspirations, music tastes, what you like, what you don't like, first date ideas, shoe size, favorite colour's ect ect. I'm sorry but if I saw a girl in a bar that I liked, walked up to her and said 'Hi. I'm Mark. I am a genuine, fun loving and spontaneous man who likes Alanis Morrisette, snow boarding and horse riding and I am actively seeking a long term relationship. If you like what you see then tweet me' I am pretty sure I would be punched or arrested for being a bit odd. As a footnote on this, if you can avoid then please do. It's not a nice world to be in but rather amusing at times.

Now, my last subject before I get off. Electric cigarettes.

I have been a smoker since I was 17. Yep, I have done the few years off thing, the last one being 5 years which I enjoyed immensely however I drifted back into that addiction once again. We, as disgusting smokers have be punished, abandoned, victimized, taxed and most recently started to be looked at as vermin of the society. We have expensive patches, books, gum and now the E Lite. What a break through. A cigarette that looks, tastes and is everything that a cigarette can offer, so why do I still get the good, old fashioned, nasty smelling old style ones? One answer. Nothing beats it with a beer.

The E-Lite really is an amazing piece of engineering. They have got everything right. The tip lighting. The burn at the back of the throat. The vapor of smoke that is non toxic. Even down to the look of them. So why are they so fucking heavy? I think that is what puts me off the most. I'm no weakling by any means. I am 6 foot tall. I have wide shoulders and good health however I think that these things are not helping at all. I am still addicted to nicotine, I still crave the filthy taste when I have a drink and I am, in affect, still smoking. What ever anybody thinks, the only way off it is 4 days of difficulty, mood snaps and twinges of desperation and I do feel that day is in the post. E-Lite? Thank you for you're co-operation but it's back to the old style quitting for me again.