Feeling sorry for ones self.

 Nobody reads this. Never have done so I talk from the heart it seems.

Dawn is dead now. Louise is a past memory. Yvonne is now a divorced friend. My lad still doesn't talk to me but hey, it's his issue to deal with now.

Around 8 years ago I was on a Facebook website fanpage for Viz magazine and noted one person was liking everything I wrote. Carol Sheridan? Who's she? Lived in Bebington. Where's that? Oh, not far. What are her pictures like? Oh, very pretty.... Good arse. Contact was made and we started to become virtual friends. My brother had just died, she was going through divorce. Seems we needed each other. I didn't know until recently that my story of when I accidently kicked a pigeon to death would win her heart.

2 years together, shit sit us apart for 3 then now here we are, living together in Wirral, happiest ever for us both. Total soul mates. Peas in a pod. All that with a holiday to Barbados 3 weeks away, me picking but not choosing swimsuit's for her, living every second moment with Irish Carol at the forefront of all decisions.

Reading back I had no reason to live. Now I do. If, by any chance, of which I highly doubt anybody will, read this? Things change my friends. A Facebook meeting for me, totally out of the blue. It will happen to you.

Rip Chris and Dawn.

A very, VERY shocking thought.

Was Dawn right in what she did? I'm really teary today and I have no idea why. I was listening to The Beautiful South's song 'Mediterranean' and burst into tears and thought 'Why not? I wouldn't be a burden any more and all this sadness would just disappear'. Then I quickly saw why.

My mum and dad love me. Stella the dog loves me. Julie loves me. Harry loves me. I make Sam laugh and I know she want's me otherwise she wouldn't keep sending me the pictures of herself that she does. I post things on Facebook and it get's like's and laughs. I have talents not many have that are being wasted at the moment due to this massive depression that I just can't seem to snap out of.

Dawn. I as much as you were an utter loon, I did love you and I miss you. Chris? I'm going to have words with you young man when I see you next but for now I miss you so much I can't begin to explain.

I'm going to man up. Julie want's me in her bed again tonight. She has her issues but she is kind and loving plus a very attractive, totally shaved vagina.

It's not all bad.

A year of utter shit.

I'm going to say that 2014 was the worst year of my life. I lost Dawn (which I have now found out was suicide) and then I lost Chris, my little brother. He died on October 7th at 14:32. I was there holding his hand as I watched him take his last breath. Odd thing was, 1 minute before he died as his eyes were in the back of his head, he turned them towards me and dad (we were sitting together) and a single tear rolled from his eye and all I could think was 'come on mate, get it over with'.

I miss both of them every day. Chris wasn't just my brother. He was my best friend and still now, 5 months later I feel I am just coming to terms with it. I dare not remove his number from my phone in case he calls asking if I want a beer of which I would love more than anything else in the world.

The last time I saw him alive, as in speaking alive, was September 24th 2014. He was not himself. He had to go to James 'Westlife' Wilkinson's baby head wetting do and he knew that Brad Levin was going to be there which infuriated him however he sat in the pub, calm as ever but not in his normal seat which was by the bar. He was sat near the TV on his own. I don't think he was well then. I had a feeling, I really did but I didn't think he was dying.

He went to hospital on or around October the 1st. It's not his first time there and he was turning yellow so I just thought he would get over it. He wouldn't let me see him so I couldn't go over. Me and dad fixed the fuck up he made of his attempt to fix a radiator to Daniels room the day before he died (fancy trying to put a radiator on a wall using wood screws) and Olwen came back telling us that he has been pleasant and talking after a few days of being unconscious.

The following morning he was rushed into intensive care. Mum and dad drove to the hospital and I looked after Stella. 1 hour later I got the call. 'Get here. He is not going to make it'. I showered and got there as fast as I could. Mum collected Daniel from school and Ryan came over from work. Every fucking light was on red. Every hold up I could have met was there. It really was the longest day of my life. But I made it, I watched him pass away and that is a very small mercy.

And I've not fucked anybody since Dawn. I'm missing it.

Some shock's take along time to settle in.

I found out just under 5 days ago that Dawn has passed away. It happened on the 22nd June 2014 unexpectedly. She was ushered out from here 3 days before by the Police after losing the plot over a security fob, bagged everything up (even things that were not hers) and then threatened to kill me. I think it was that and the fact that she was clearly not well that made the decision for the officers.

She returned the following morning and attempted to barge the front door. I had my foot against it so she couldn't and said to her, which was the only thing I said to her "If you are coming for round 2 then you are not coming in". She said that she just wanted some stuff so I let her in again but followed her around, see what she was doing and taking.

She cursed me saying that "I will go the same way as her. Alone and sad". She said this with some venom but because I have seen this behaviour before I chose to ignore it. As soon as she left I locked the door and put on CCTV to make sure she left of which she finally did.

Over the following 3 days I had very confusing messages. Some hate, some threats and some love. The final one came on Sunday the 22nd June telling me that she is going to sleep cuddling the dressing gown I bought for her and that's enough. Then she said "Goodbye love xxxxxxxxx"

Once again I thought it was another ploy to get inside my head. Then I find out 3 weeks later that she went to bed and just didn't wake up again.

She was cremated on 3rd July 2014 and I knew nothing about her passing. That's what hurts more. I knew nothing about it. I'm not a daft man. I knew her parents would be busy sorting out the cremation however I found out off Luis's dad, Marc. It was a surreal moment and one that I think is just setting in now, the fact that although she was bi polar and suffered from borderline personality disaorder and would fly off the handle at anything, I will never see her smile again, have her grab my arm at bedtime, drag it around her and say "you know you want to" or hear or laugh like a Chipmunk.

Today me and dad went through an awful lot of her stuff most of which is going to charity. Dad was brutal but he needed to be as I was in a bit of a state. More packing tomorrow but I think I am over the worst of it. I have accepted that she is dead however troubling it is to me. I think she knew something was wrong but kept it from everybody.

I only wish she was there with me today when I watched 'The Chase'. A woman was on it that was about as charismatic as getting a dose of the clap. We would have laughed at that.

RIP my piglet. I loved/love you so much. As mad as you were, I really thought we would have been brilliant. Still, you did say you were going to spend the rest of your life with me. Shame it was only 41 years...... and not the 37 you said how old you were xxx

Admitting to mistakes is hard but it has to be done.

I have made so many mistakes so as I sit on my floor in my soon to be left apartment I seem to have finally taken all of them on the chin and I know what went wrong.

Yvonne. Love of my life. You were so sweet. So caring but I stopped seeing that. You became a sister to me. I still love you and always will.

Dawn. You are a nutter and need locking up.

Vicky. You are my friend. We talk for hours. We look good together, we are good together and you are my best mate. I have told you stuff that nobody knows and likewise you but you live 30 miles away. We would be perfect.

Louise. Where do I start with you? Biggest love I have ever known. We were pulled apart from each other, not broke up. The happiest times in my life were with you. You hugged me when I was down. You kept me laughing when I was up and playing air hockey in some arcade near York will stick in my mind for ever. You were my everything and now I can't even talk to you.

Well that say's everything doesn't it. I sentence for my ex wife who I have spent all my adult life with and an epilogue for Wallis. Still, life goes on.

Lifes bad choices and nutjobs.

I have made many choices in my life. Some good, some bad but they were my choices all the same. I made the worst one ever 9 months ago, letting Dawn into my life.

I cared about her deeply, loved her even but that love and care was rapidly abused by what I can only describe as a systematic nutter. It has been 1 week to the day since she left and although I have been on tenter hooks for 5 days, I finally feel that I am safe from her.

I am not a weakling. I do not stay away from aggression or threat but this girl sent shivers down my back. I used to stay in bed and listen to her clumping around, dragging her feet (that really bothered me) and 'the face'. Oh my god, did I fear 'the face'. It was one of a completely, dead eyed face of hatred. I am not sure if she was even aware she was doing it but by fuck, was it scary. It stopped me from being able to function properly, have rational thoughts without worrying what I might do to upset her. Even a simple thing like making a meal for her was attacked. She accused me of trying to poison her with veg, a pie and gravy, kicking her when she laid down on the floor feigning some sort of injury (I had switched the lights off, walked to the bathroom and there she was, doubled up in agony that rapidy went as soon as the police told her that she was in no fit state to drive), I had raped her in her anus, punched her, slapped her and had been the worst thing she has ever met. However she did curse that I have a long and painful death, the same that she is going to have and also said, of which I have recorded that "I should be worried. If I was frightened of her before then I really should be now. Don't go to sleep".

Well, to be honest, that was enough for me. Yvonne was hard work and Louise was a living nightmare but Dawn? I have never in my entire life come across anybody as mad as her. I told her that I had recorded everything she had said and done and then she called 999 saying that I had physically assaulted her of which, of course, I hadn't. The police came and rapidy removed her from the building. She was seen as a trouble causer backed up by one of the police officers that looked at me as she made her final threat of people coming around, not her, rolled his eyes and waved goodbye to me.

Over the next 5 days I had a multitude of confusing messages. Some hating me, some loving me. Keep the stuff, I'm taking the stuff. I chose to not retaliate and through much advice, I kept shut. I'm not even sure if she is still alive now however if she wasn't I am pretty sure I would have heard something. It's been 4 days now and I was sure I would get another hate message today. Nothing so that then sets my nerves on edge worrying if it is going to be tomorrow? I really have never been more scared of one person in my whole life. Big blokes? Scary but at least I can get a punch in and nothing will be said. Yvonne? Yeah, she used to cite many arguments but nothing I couldn't handle and Louise? Psycho who used her sexuality to attempt to achieve her ultimate goal but just ended up as her being a bit of a slut. This one is different. Uncontrollable, unpredictable, out of control psychotic nutter.

I have decided to stay away from relationships for a while however, completely out of the blue, Vicky called me. Now there is a good looking girl. Although I have needs and I do like Vicky very much I am keeping a very wide space. I have made too many wrong choices over the last 5 years. Higgins was my last.  

How a panic attack can change your life.

I've never had one before. I had heard about them but never expected somebody like me would suffer and suffering is what I am doing. It's been 12 days now since the sound of a pump truck rolling in the back of a trailer made me go insane. I have never been more scared, terrified, frightened in my whole life. I lost control of sanity briefly, ran off the back of a trailer (which are pretty high up), landed with no issues and sprinted to the cab where I proceeded to lie on the bunk shaking like a shitting dog. The manager of the store where I was at was great. He was really concerned and called for an ambulance. When it arrived a very pretty nurse helped me out of the truck, put my arm around her shoulders, her arm around my waist and led me to the waiting ambulance. There were 2 nurses. Both were great. I was being asked all sorts of questions. When was the last time I ate. Is there mental history in my family. Do I take illegal drugs and all I could hear in my head was the sound of a pump truck going under a pallet of compost. Clunk didy clunk clunk. I was shaking so bad one nurse had to put her hands on my shoulders and tell me to calm down. That made it worse as I thought 'I bet everybody else can calm really easily. Why can't I?' so the panic set in even further. All the time all I could hear was clunk didy clunk clunk. I actually looked at one of the girls (the prettier one) and begged her to make it stop. She told me she couldn't and I needed to calm. I was crying, shaking uncontrollably, hyperventilating, my fingers were tingling, unsure about the world around me, my heart rate was through the roof, stressing, panicking, thinking I was going mad. I was totally going out of my mind and how did it start? A pallet of shite that had been stacked wrong falling over. Some clown had stacked it so all the heavy dog food and pots of paint were on the top of boxes of crisps. As soon as I moved it, it fell over. Me and the manager of the store managed to finally get it onto the tail lift but when I lowered it the paint buckets fell off and smashed on the back of the trailer spreading red paint everywhere. Instead of going mad I just looked at it. That's when I started to feel faint.

15 minutes later the attack happened.

I ended up abandoning the truck and got a lift back with another driver. It was during a storm and was so windy it was scary. We ran out of driving time at Flockton so had to wait for a lift back. I went out for a cigarette and a piss and the trees were literally bending so I moved next to the road thinking 'my luck, one of those branches will break and smack me on the head'.

When I got back I jumped in my car to drive home but I didn't. I went directly to Dawn's place. She was amazing. She is amazing. I explained to her the events of the day and while I was doing it I was getting flash backs and oddly I could hear my own voice echoing in my head. She calmed me down, hugged me, loved me and I have never felt more loved in my entire life.

Dawn is amazing. Really pretty, superb body, brilliant mind, the funniest girl I have ever met, caring, loving, honest and I can't believe I have met her. She is also pretty volatile, unstable and unpredictable. Well she is from Barnsley. I think an update about her will be soon as I do believe I have never loved anybody as much as her. Yvonne and Louise are the 2 girls I have really loved. I am hoping Dawn will be the last.

The attack killed me. It also made me look at the future. The future is bright. The future is dark hair, skin that won't tan, fiery unpredictable personality, stares at me and when I ask what she says 'I am just admiring the scenerey' and a sense of humor that sometimes has me crying with laughter.