A year of utter shit.

I'm going to say that 2014 was the worst year of my life. I lost Dawn (which I have now found out was suicide) and then I lost Chris, my little brother. He died on October 7th at 14:32. I was there holding his hand as I watched him take his last breath. Odd thing was, 1 minute before he died as his eyes were in the back of his head, he turned them towards me and dad (we were sitting together) and a single tear rolled from his eye and all I could think was 'come on mate, get it over with'.

I miss both of them every day. Chris wasn't just my brother. He was my best friend and still now, 5 months later I feel I am just coming to terms with it. I dare not remove his number from my phone in case he calls asking if I want a beer of which I would love more than anything else in the world.

The last time I saw him alive, as in speaking alive, was September 24th 2014. He was not himself. He had to go to James 'Westlife' Wilkinson's baby head wetting do and he knew that Brad Levin was going to be there which infuriated him however he sat in the pub, calm as ever but not in his normal seat which was by the bar. He was sat near the TV on his own. I don't think he was well then. I had a feeling, I really did but I didn't think he was dying.

He went to hospital on or around October the 1st. It's not his first time there and he was turning yellow so I just thought he would get over it. He wouldn't let me see him so I couldn't go over. Me and dad fixed the fuck up he made of his attempt to fix a radiator to Daniels room the day before he died (fancy trying to put a radiator on a wall using wood screws) and Olwen came back telling us that he has been pleasant and talking after a few days of being unconscious.

The following morning he was rushed into intensive care. Mum and dad drove to the hospital and I looked after Stella. 1 hour later I got the call. 'Get here. He is not going to make it'. I showered and got there as fast as I could. Mum collected Daniel from school and Ryan came over from work. Every fucking light was on red. Every hold up I could have met was there. It really was the longest day of my life. But I made it, I watched him pass away and that is a very small mercy.

And I've not fucked anybody since Dawn. I'm missing it.