Some shock's take along time to settle in.

I found out just under 5 days ago that Dawn has passed away. It happened on the 22nd June 2014 unexpectedly. She was ushered out from here 3 days before by the Police after losing the plot over a security fob, bagged everything up (even things that were not hers) and then threatened to kill me. I think it was that and the fact that she was clearly not well that made the decision for the officers.

She returned the following morning and attempted to barge the front door. I had my foot against it so she couldn't and said to her, which was the only thing I said to her "If you are coming for round 2 then you are not coming in". She said that she just wanted some stuff so I let her in again but followed her around, see what she was doing and taking.

She cursed me saying that "I will go the same way as her. Alone and sad". She said this with some venom but because I have seen this behaviour before I chose to ignore it. As soon as she left I locked the door and put on CCTV to make sure she left of which she finally did.

Over the following 3 days I had very confusing messages. Some hate, some threats and some love. The final one came on Sunday the 22nd June telling me that she is going to sleep cuddling the dressing gown I bought for her and that's enough. Then she said "Goodbye love xxxxxxxxx"

Once again I thought it was another ploy to get inside my head. Then I find out 3 weeks later that she went to bed and just didn't wake up again.

She was cremated on 3rd July 2014 and I knew nothing about her passing. That's what hurts more. I knew nothing about it. I'm not a daft man. I knew her parents would be busy sorting out the cremation however I found out off Luis's dad, Marc. It was a surreal moment and one that I think is just setting in now, the fact that although she was bi polar and suffered from borderline personality disaorder and would fly off the handle at anything, I will never see her smile again, have her grab my arm at bedtime, drag it around her and say "you know you want to" or hear or laugh like a Chipmunk.

Today me and dad went through an awful lot of her stuff most of which is going to charity. Dad was brutal but he needed to be as I was in a bit of a state. More packing tomorrow but I think I am over the worst of it. I have accepted that she is dead however troubling it is to me. I think she knew something was wrong but kept it from everybody.

I only wish she was there with me today when I watched 'The Chase'. A woman was on it that was about as charismatic as getting a dose of the clap. We would have laughed at that.

RIP my piglet. I loved/love you so much. As mad as you were, I really thought we would have been brilliant. Still, you did say you were going to spend the rest of your life with me. Shame it was only 41 years...... and not the 37 you said how old you were xxx

Admitting to mistakes is hard but it has to be done.

I have made so many mistakes so as I sit on my floor in my soon to be left apartment I seem to have finally taken all of them on the chin and I know what went wrong.

Yvonne. Love of my life. You were so sweet. So caring but I stopped seeing that. You became a sister to me. I still love you and always will.

Dawn. You are a nutter and need locking up.

Vicky. You are my friend. We talk for hours. We look good together, we are good together and you are my best mate. I have told you stuff that nobody knows and likewise you but you live 30 miles away. We would be perfect.

Louise. Where do I start with you? Biggest love I have ever known. We were pulled apart from each other, not broke up. The happiest times in my life were with you. You hugged me when I was down. You kept me laughing when I was up and playing air hockey in some arcade near York will stick in my mind for ever. You were my everything and now I can't even talk to you.

Well that say's everything doesn't it. I sentence for my ex wife who I have spent all my adult life with and an epilogue for Wallis. Still, life goes on.